


Dr. Faygo Refill

by FailureArtist



Series: Friendship & Stuff Cinematic Universe [17]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Invasion, Cults, Gen, Humanstuck, Religion, Religious Vision, The Bean - Freeform, Xenophilia, liquorice scottie dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22103230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: April 15, 2018: Doc Scratch has a private meeting with Kurloz.
Relationships: Doc Scratch & Kurloz Makara, background kurloz ships including makaracest
Series: Friendship & Stuff Cinematic Universe [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1532495
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Dr. Faygo Refill

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: No character death in the story but contains discussion of past and future character death. Discussion of suicide bombing. Implied alien sex. Trump mention.

In Chicago’s Millennium Park on a bench by “The Bean” sat the most important man in the world - and it was not Barack Obama. In fact, none of the hundreds of park-goers on this April morning in 2018 would have the slightest inkling who he was. He did not look impressive, being only five foot nine and having a somewhat overly-large bald head. His white suit was unsuitable for this time of year and his shirt was a sickenly bright shade of neon green. He looked eccentric, but not eccentric enough a big city would take much note of him. The citizens and tourists of Chicago went about their business, not knowing how he planned to ensnare them all. This man was Dr. D. O. C. Scratch. 

Kurloz Makara sat next to Dr. Scratch. Out of everyone at the park, only he had an inkling of how important this man was. Yet Kurloz was more peeved than excited about this meeting. He had just finished an important mission for the Church and now that the high was wearing off, he just wanted to sleep. He was not even sure why Dr. Scratch wanted to talk to him and not Bishop Hank. It did not really help that Dr. Scratch gave off creepy uncle vibes.

Dr. Scratch did not glance at Kurloz but he knew how his young devotee looked. Kurloz was dressed in a grey-and-purple tracksuit like a Russian mobster. Dr. Scratch supposed that his old church often behaved like the  _ mafiya _ , so it was a fitting costume. Kurloz gave off an aura, or more like a smell, of someone who had been up all night wearing the same clothes. Dr. Scratch had no need to look to his left. 

He said, “Cloud Gate is always so lovely. Sir Anish Kapoor did a magnificent job.”

Kurloz snorted. Dr. Scratch would be the only one to call “The Bean” by that name.

Dr. Scratch turned his body to face Kurloz. “And how did your job go, young man?”

Kurloz kept his electrolarynx in his pocket for this.  _ The bee is swatted. _

“Nobody here can read American Sign Language. You can say what happened.”

_ M-i-t-u-n-a C-a-p-t-o-r has been sacrificed to the Empress. _

“Killed, you say? Such a shame to lose your high school best friend.”

Despite the chill, Kurloz felt sweat go down his back under his hoodie. His fist clenched briefly before he answered. 

_ It is for the greater good.  _

“You do not need to sell me on it, only yourself.”

_ What more do you want?  _

Dr. Scratch raised an eyebrow and Kurloz instantly regretted saying something so undiplomatic. He did not know enough to know Dr. Scratch was not the type to be offended by such stuff.

“Now, what do  _ you _ want from my organization?”

_ I want to serve the God of Double Death. _

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Many humans say they want to serve the divine but few bother to get up early for prayers, let alone strap on a bomb to their chest. Now, what motivates those few who actually do make the effort? Perhaps it is not simply faith?”

Kurloz’s hands were still.

“I know that often it is young men without a livelihood who fill the ranks of extreme organizations.”

Kurloz did not even nod. He just looked at Dr. Scratch’s green eyes. They reminded him of the Demoness’ colored contacts, but he could not imagine an older man like him going in for such shit.

“Did you not once wish to become a rap performer? What happened to that potential livelihood?” __

Kurloz desperately wanted to get the topic off of wherever Dr. Scratch was heading.

_ Thank you for the business loan for my tattoo shop.  _

“I know you dream of more than owning a tattooing establishment in the most boring city in Michigan, as judged by Business Insider. You have far bigger dreams than you ever had before you lost your vocal cords. Tell me: what is that dream?”

Kurloz knew that Dr. Scratch already had the answer to that question. It was there in the twinkle of that odd man’s odd green eyes.

_ I want to rule the galaxy.  _

_ “ _ You want to rule the galaxy.”

It sounded so childish when put out straight like that, compared to the reasonable goal of becoming a rapper. Yet Dr. Scratch was not mocking Kurloz.

_ Will I rule the galaxy? _

“You ruled under Her in a past life. She is coming back soon, and you will be useful to her.”

Her. It was wonderful to think of Her. Ever since he had his vision of Her Imperious Condescension, he knew she was the only being in existence he would willingly rule under. She was statuesque and beautiful and eldritch. Hank Korhonen was a good ol’ boy but Kurloz still chafed under his command. Kurloz knew the twelfth Grand Highblood was nothing compared to the Grand Highblood who reigned when the lost empire was at its zenith. 

_ Will I rule under her? _

“Yes, you will be at her lovely heels, while the world is under yours.”

Kurloz could not deny there was something very erotic about that vision.

_ How soon?  _

“Do not be impatient, young man. There is something which must be done.”

_ What? _

“There is another sacrifice. This time it will be the one they call the Signless.”

Kurloz grimaced. That was the worst thing Dr. Scratch could require. Her Imperious Condescension, a few seconds ago so close to him, now was as far away as a prison in North Korea. The Social Justice Warrior had gone to that country for help only to be treated as a spy. Though the Church did have some worldwide influence, there was only so much they could do in the Hermit Kingdom. 

_ What can I do to get him released? _

“Let the dense Dengist stew a bit, young man. Our target is closer. In fact, he is here…”

Kurloz looked around.

“…twenty-two years and nine months ago…at Mount Sinai Hospital. But now he is in Midland.”

Kurloz breathed out with some irritation.

“You know who I mean.”

_ K-a-r-k-a-t V-a-n-t-a-s.  _

“Yes, he is in Midland to settle his late parents’ estate. Do you not feel sorry for the poor orphan?”

_ Is that why you had me create that orphan? _

“You did such an excellent job arranging for another orphan.”

_ But he is not the heretic.  _

Dr. Scratch shrugged. “He is to the heretic like you are to your young charge. You always do say you and your charge are the same person.”

Kurloz’s words were getting thrown back at him and he did not like that at all. 

_ Will that really work for the Empress? _

“What matters is, will it work for Gamzee?”

It had been a long night and Kurloz just could not follow Dr. Scratch. Instead of a sentence, he signed just one thing. 

_? _

“I think Gamzee needs to prove his mettle the same way you did.”

Something seized Kurloz’s heart.

_ Was I being tested? _

“Do not worry, young man. Mituna was exactly the right person. He was sentenced no matter what you did. It is very encouraging though that you carried out the sentence.”

Kurloz’s heart was set free. If Kurloz was being tricked, that overly-large head would roll.

Dr. Scratch knew what was in Kurloz’s heart. Kurloz hated being tricked, but he did not hate killing his high school best friend. There was still a remnant of his human conditioning telling Kurloz he was wrong, but there was the conditioning of the cult, along with some personal resentment of his former friend. 

Would Gamzee be able to put aside his human conditioning? That remained to be seen. Dr. Scratch could find out the answer himself, but he decided to let it remain hidden. He still allowed himself to know Karkat’s ultimate fate. 

_ So the Little Me will kill his ungrateful friend. _

Kurloz did not know if he should add a question mark to that.

“We will see.”

Kurloz wondered if Dr. Scratch knew. He was sure Dr. Scratch knew everything or close to it and it made Kurloz itch knowing Dr. Scratch kept it secret. 

_ What if he does not? _

_ “ _ Then the rest of you will carry out the sacrifice.”

_ Will I have to kill Gamzee if he cannot follow through? _

“Should a traitor live?”

Kurloz shook his head. 

Dr. Scratch knew that Kurloz was attached to Gamzee. Time would tell how attached he was.

“Your young girl will be a part of this mission, along with my young girl.”

_ I do not know if Kitty Bitch will be up for it.  _

“And you are afraid you will also have to dispatch her?”

Kurloz shuddered, but he still knew he would dispatch her. 

_ I will do it if needed. _

“Good to see you have your priorities in order.”

_ I am worried about the Demoness. _

“Why? She is a capable team member,” Dr. Scratch said, though he knew exactly what the problem was, better than even Kurloz.

_ We have a troubled history.  _

“Who does not have a troubled history with her? Though she does get along with Meulin, so you do not have to worry about your young girl.”

Kurloz was more worried about his young boy. 

_ Who else will be on this team? _

“Only you four will be on this team.”

The mission with Mituna took over three times that many devotees. This Karkat was supposed to be “close enough” to the greatest heretic the Church had ever encountered and yet this was the team that was going to take him out?

_ Only four? _

_ “ _ I sense you have reservations about this mission.”

It had been such a long night for Kurloz. 

_ I sense there is something you are not telling me.  _

“Then I will reveal all I can to you.”

Dr. Scratch stood up geniteely. He gestured at Kurloz to stand up. Kurloz got on his tired feet. 

“Walk with me.”

Dr. Scratch made his way towards the Bean. Kurloz followed. The short man walked awfully fast for someone with legs his length. Or perhaps he was covering the distance in some other way. Though there were people in the plaza, the two did not have to weave around anyone. Their path was straight. 

Dr. Scratch stopped right at the metallic skin of the Bean. Kurloz caught up and stopped with him.

“Look into the Cloud Gate and you will understand.”

Kurloz obliged the old man and looked into the reflective surface. His first thought was that he needed to clean the paint off his face better. Then the next second…the Bean turned Vantablack…

And the Bean turned and stretched and distorted into a red spaceship the size of the Loop. The entirety of Chicago, Cook County, Illinois, turned into the vast untouchable reaches of space. The ship, like a fork going through food, shot through this vast distance at a speed just a few miles per hour slower than light. Kurloz was not just glued to the top of the ship but melded into it. The ship may have been going fast yet the distance was so immense it did not make a difference. He was both going too fast and yet as slow as an ant crawling along the National Mall to the White House. His body was chilled to minus four hundred fifty degree Fahrenheit yet he was still alive. He would scream if he could scream and if the moisture in his mouth would not turn to crystals. 

Then, to his relief, he was on the bridge of the ship. What was against his skin was now outside a thick window. The bridge was a command center that rivaled Houston or Dongfeng. It was built to fit fifty people of an inhuman scale. Yet the many stations were not manned by anything at all. A few strange skeletons with dull orange horns littered the twelve layers of floors. At the top deck, looking out at the stars with determination, was Her.

Kurloz had seen visions of Her Imperious Condescension, but he had never realized her scale. Her hair alone took up a great deal of the deck. It did not move like human hair but rather like an octopus made of black steel wool. He was a tall human, over two meters tall, but she was over three and a half meters tall. He watched her stare out at the streaking stars for how long he did not know. He wanted to talk to her but he could not. He could not even reach into his pockets for his electrolarynx. Then, she turned her enormous head towards him, letting her hair slosh like it was the rolling sea at night. She gave him a look and he felt like a mouse being stared down by a raptor. Then she bore her shark teeth at him and made a hissing noise that reverberated across the bridge. Kurloz could have died from fear, that weakness left in the human race from being prey, if he were not suddenly…

Bigger than her. And in a more intimate situation. He was in a fuchsia pink room, the color and shape of the inside of a human vagina, and in his arms was Her Imperious Condescension. She was an Amazon but he was a Hercules. Her gold-adorned limbs were beautiful but he kept looking at his own thick limbs. He was proud of how well-developed they were yet on closer look the musculature was different than a human’s. It came from a convergent evolutionary track and at that moment he could see the trolls starting out as water arthropods and a billion years passed and again he was with his lady love in a wicked embrace. Her body was as cold as the ice that sunk the Titanic yet his heart was warm…or whatever he had instead of a heart. She kissed him and her shark teeth did not matter when his mouth was made of leather and his teeth were almost as sharp. He looked down and between her legs, her hot pink vulva opened and revealed it was not a vulva. A long pink tentacle, with many wriggling nodes, squirmed out. She looked at him with eyes that were pink and yellow and yet more human than the rest of her. When she spoke in a language only her species, their species, could ever properly pronounce.

And Kurloz was there as the ship hung over the White House, like that industrious ant in an earlier metaphor, having made its way there. The army of desk jockeys working the West Wing ran to the shelters. The Secret Service awaited orders anxiously. Yet only one man was not afraid to stare at the sun. Kurloz voted for that man, and that man would become the next…

Suddenly, Kurloz was inside a mansion that was NOT the White House. The well-appointed room was as classy as the Oval Office yet every surface is some shade of green. That just made the white figure in the middle of it more prominent. The figure was only four feet tall yet had an out-of-proportion perfectly-spherical head. There was nowhere for eyes or mouth to be on the sphere yet the figure was looking directly at Kurloz and smiling. Kurloz knew in his heart that this was the real D. O. C. Scratch.

“Hello…” He spoke in perfect Alternian. “….”

“Dr. Scratch?”

“Yes, it is he. Please, take a seat.”

Kurloz sat down in a nearby perfectly-green chair. Dr. Scratch continued standing. It was odd since he was so much shorter now yet he also seemed to tower. 

“Who else has seen this wicked vision?” Kurloz asked. Wait, with his natural voice? He was speaking without assistance for the first time in nine years! Did his voice always sound like this?

“Only my Handmaid and now you,” Scratch answered, “And yes, you can speak naturally here. It is in my power. Her Imperious Condescension has the power to permanently heal you.”

“Why has a motherfucker shown me such a wicked vision?”

“I did it to inspire you. I have quite a fondness for you, young man. Not as much fondness as I have for my Handmaid, but still I feel fondly for you.”

Kurloz felt a little of a sibling rivalry when Scratch mentioned the Witch. Actually, it was odd Scratch said he was fond of her considering how much she always bad-mouthed him. 

“Thank you, sir.”

“Oh, I am so rude. Would you care for a black liquorice Scottie dog?”

Scratch produced the bowl of candy. Kurloz loathed liquorice but he was not about to turn down anything from this powerful man (if you could call Scratch a man). Kurloz took a doggie and put it in his cheek. He remembered Gamzee loved liquorice.

“Would you ever show Gamzee your true badass self?” Kurloz asked.

“I show who I want what I want when I want.”

“This motherfucker did not mean to give offense. You can do what you want.” 

“I have nothing against Gamzee. I do see a little of myself in that boy. Yet it would be best if you did not talk to him about this.”

Kurloz bit down on the Scottie dog absentmindedly. Shit. That horrible black juice came oozing out and Kurloz shuddered. Despite the bad candy choice, this encounter seemed weirdly normal. Like visiting an uncle, though Kurloz’s real-world paternal uncle was a terrible host and never offered any type of refreshments (Kurloz was still glad he killed Uncle Buckley).

“You hate liquorice yet you took a candy,” Scratch said. “What a polite boy you are!”

Kurloz swallowed the Scottie dog whole and nodded. He was a little nervous being found out as a liquorice hater. Was that a deal-breaker? 

“Do not worry,” Scratch said. “I do not hold your distaste for liquorice against you. What candy would you like? Oh, yes, Jawbreakers.”

His bowl of black liquorice Scottie dogs turned into a bowl of Jawbreakers. Kurloz took one and popped it in his mouth. He wondered if this candy actually existed. It did taste good, in any case.

Then, suddenly, they were back in Millennium Park, Chicago. Everything looked normal. It was still early Spring. Kurloz could still feel the large candy ball in his mouth. He took the ball out and stared at it. It was real, wasn’t it?

“I’m glad we could have this talk,” Scratch said.

Kurloz wanted to speak back but he realized his natural larynx was gone. He hadn’t felt this way since he first got it out and he mourned the loss again. 

Despite the lack of salutation, Scratch wandered off with a bull penis cane in his white-gloved hand. Where did he get that cane? Kurloz didn’t want to think about it.

He decided to leave himself. There was much to do. He would work to bring that beautiful queen down to Earth. He would get what he deserved. 

**Author's Note:**

> Translation: Condesce says "I )(ate your guts"
> 
> Doc Scratch says, "Grand Highblood...Kurloz Makara."


End file.
